[PCA] REMEDY HOUR

[skinstealer]

[id: maes sitting on papaya's couch, grimacing and looking extremely strained. charon sits next to them, but nearly all of him, including his expression, is cast in dark shadow. the atmosphere is suffocating and claustrophobic, and something feels very wrong.]

PAPAYA: Good morning Doctor, were you okay after last session?
 

Well…

MAES: I...struggled. Quite a bit.
MAES: Judgment helped me through it, but there were some nightmares…
PAPAYA: I figured it was going to be a harder one...
MAES: I was going to say we should go easier today, but…
 

They sink into their seat.

MAES: I'm having trouble of a new variety now.
MAES: Maybe less "serious" in subject matter, but not something I enjoy.
PAPAYA: What's bothering you?
MAES: …
 

Maes turns to Charon just a little, unsure of whether to start. Charon reaches for their hand, the karacel taking his without hesitation.

CHARON: You've got this.
 

They take his hand, holding it tight.

MAES: I've already told you plenty of confidential information...and I suppose compared to Devil's Advocacy, this is a small drop in the bucket, but-
MAES: ...it's hard for me to talk about.
MAES: Only Judgment knows.
PAPAYA: If it's too much for today, we can do something easier.
MAES: ...I want to try, at least.
 

Papaya makes an affirmative noise.

PAPAYA: If you're sure.
PAPAYA: Remember we can always stop...
MAES: I'll...keep it in mind.
MAES: Judgment can put the neurons on now.
PAPAYA: Judgment?
CHARON: Already grabbed them.
PAPAYA: Ah, good! Continue then.
 

Charon places the adhesive as carefully as usual.

MAES: Thank you...
 

Please don't be a weird environment. Please don't be weird.

To Maes’ relief, it’s fairly neutral to start, a lack of stimuli so far.

O...okay...Good.

MAES: ...I...have to do some things to keep the lab funded, that aren't...ideal.
 

Faint conversation builds in the back of the room.

PAPAYA: ...Is everything okay?
MAES: ...no.
MAES: It hasn't been okay for years, but-
MAES: The investors Anya set up before my promotion into the director were promised certain privileges when I would take the position- and if I back out, they take their money with them.
PAPAYA: You're safe to talk about it here.
MAES: ...it's...sexual favors. To put it lightly.
MAES: Judgment's the only one who knows, and I only ended up telling him because he saw me in the aftermath of one meeting.
MAES: I don't usually let that happen.
PAPAYA: ...You have to commit to that to fund this lab?
MAES: If I stopped or reported them, we'd lose at least half.
 

Papaya says nothing, struggling to find words. With a twist of a dial, the room starts shifting back to neutral, the smell of cheap cologne and familiar voices fading just as they were starting.

MAES: ...I didn't tell you to stop.
PAPAYA: ...Are you sure?
PAPAYA: I don't want to hurt you.
MAES: I...it goes only as far as I'm ready for, right?
MAES: You said I could make it stop at any time.
PAPAYA: Mm... I guess that's true.
 

They switch the dial back, all the senses returning. The air is stuffed with the texture of business suits, nearly suffocating.

Maes takes a deep breath before continuing.

MAES: There's not much I can do about it.
MAES: I've had to deal with it for years, and while it hasn't gotten easier, I've been able to manage it until this past year.
MAES: Being with Judgment has...definitely made it worse, now that I know what a safe partner is like.
MAES: That's not- that's not a bad thing, I really appreciate my time with him...
MAES: But...
MAES: It's also, just...
MAES: The way they talk about me, and treat the way I look...
MAES: With my whole identity realizations, it just feels worse every time.
PAPAYA: Do you think it's contributed toward your feelings too?
MAES: ...very much so.
PAPAYA: You thought much lately about how you'd prefer to dress?
PAPAYA: How you want to present and be seen?
PAPAYA: Could be good to set a goal.
MAES: I...yes, a lot, but I can't-
MAES: They've...
 

...I haven't even told Charon yet…

MAES: Made some comments about my new clothes, the ones I got to try new things out.
PAPAYA: Comments?
MAES: From the investors.
MAES: They don't like the new look, and I've barely changed anything.
PAPAYA: Ah... of course they didn't.
PAPAYA: To be frank, they sound like pretty disgusting people.
MAES: Mm...I know that I said in the last session we talked about gender, I said I didn't know what I wanted for long term changes.
MAES: Now I think I do, but-
MAES: I...
MAES: I don't think I can change anything about myself in a way I'd like without attracting their ire.
 

The air seems to press against Maes' form, the karacel feeling their own sense of outline and shape. They tense up, a little self conscious at the sudden awareness.

MAES: I'd like to-
MAES: I'd like to get a shell reshaping.
MAES: My mother chose a lot of how I look for me, including my body shape-
MAES: I'd like to...ah…
 

Their words stutter out.

The pressure starts to shift around, fluctuating between tightness and a comforting looseness.

MAES: ...I'd...like to get some more weight on me...
MAES: ...and get a chest reduction.
 

The words seem to almost choke out, Maes' face full of embarrassment.

The pressure loosens up dramatically.

PAPAYA: Nothing wrong there.
MAES: But-
MAES: I can't, people will talk, so much is riding on me staying the same-
PAPAYA: You should do what's good for you.
MAES: ...
MAES: I don't know how...
MAES: Both...logistically, and-
MAES: It's not possible.
PAPAYA: Find better financers, these people are heinous.
MAES: Any-
MAES: Any financial cuts we take in the meantime potentially leave the rehab program in the lurch...
PAPAYA: …there's really no easy way out of this, then...
MAES: I can't...make the selfish decision.
MAES: Not yet.
MAES: Not until the program has alternative funding.
PAPAYA: Can you work toward that?
MAES: I can try.
MAES: I've...considered reaching out to Grind's council for some time now.
MAES: The Precipice government gives us a good amount of funding thanks to our functions as a hospital, but...
MAES: ...perhaps...a private proposal for the rehabilitation program could go over well.
PAPAYA: Consider that, something to get out of your current situation.
MAES: ...It does feel useless to think about wanting these things, in the meantime.
MAES: Like some kind of forbidden fruit I'll never get to have.
PAPAYA: Don't say never.
MAES: I know, I know…
PAPAYA: I think if you explain the lab's situation you'll have a good chance of getting somewhere.
MAES: What do I do in the meantime, then?
MAES: What...do I do to figure out these feelings while I can't make any public moves?
MAES: Pronouns are one thing, but-
 

Their face grows flushed.

MAES: Anything I've thought of feels...
 

Their body suddenly feels….looser, if only for a brief moment.

PAPAYA: Feels..?
MAES: ...It...feels silly.
PAPAYA: It isn't.
MAES: I haven't even said what I've been thinking of!
PAPAYA: And I want you to get it out of your head that your feelings are silly.
PAPAYA: You're not going to be laughed at.
 

But this…

MAES: ...I...wouldn't mind if Judgment and I engaged with some of the body imagery stuff on our own time.
MAES: Even if only in...fantasy, or play...
PAPAYA: I don't see why not, might do a lot for you.
MAES: You really think that sort of thing is just...fine?
MAES: No questions asked?
MAES: I feel like most people would just laugh at me for it, to be so invested in the idea of-
 

They swallow.

MAES: Putting on weight, even if it's in order to get a better body image…
PAPAYA: Body dysphoria exists in all kinds, I've known clients in your situation.
PAPAYA: Tricky in some cases because they were constructs with less mod friendly shells.
MAES: With my shell, it'll require synthetic material to actually give me more room to breathe and move without pain...no easy donors for my shell type.
MAES: It's too tight for the amount of internal slime my body produces, due to being modified by my mother in my teenage years.
MAES: ...it didn't help with the dysphoria.
PAPAYA: And it's hard to find time with how busy you are.
MAES: Even small modifications that could be less noticeable by the investors in the long run would still take me out for recovery time.
PAPAYA: If I'm brutally honest, you're terribly overworked.
MAES: ...Mmm.
 

They hesitate for a moment before nodding.

MAES: I...suppose I could take some time off...
PAPAYA: You should, you and Judgment.
MAES: I could probably put in a request for this weekend, maybe…

The tiniest hint of a smile crosses their face.

PAPAYA: Spend some time together, have a little adventure maybe.
MAES: ...what do you think, Judgment?
CHARON: I'd love that, could use a break myself.
MAES: I'll put in a notice when we're out, then...does that sound like progress, Papaya?
PAPAYA: It absolutely does.
MAES: Maybe...that's a good point to leave off on, then.
PAPAYA: I think so too.
PAPAYA: You've been putting a lot of work in these past few weeks.
PAPAYA: Be proud.
MAES: ...I am, a little.
MAES: Genuinely.
PAPAYA: It's hard, it really is but... you've opened up about so much in such a quick time.
MAES: I'm glad we're doing this...both for myself, and the program.
PAPAYA: ...Is that a greenlight?
MAES: I'd say so, but...I still want to keep going with this.
MAES: We have a few weeks left.
PAPAYA: We can.. and if you need more than a few weeks, you can always return of course.
PAPAYA: It's good to have a regular doctor.
MAES: Thank you, Papaya.
MAES: I owe you a lot for this…
 

They gesture to the headpieces.

MAES: Should we take these off?
PAPAYA: Go ahead, returning the room back to its neutral state.
 

It feels like an eternity as the room winds down, Maes letting out a long, slow breath.

It feels like I’ve run a marathon…

Maes lets Charon take the sticky pads off, laying there and getting their bearings. It’s a good few minutes before they stand up, taking their cane and giving Papaya an appreciative nod.

MAES: Thank you.
PAPAYA: You're always welcome, doctor.
PAPAYA: Don't forget it.