[PCA] REMEDY HOUR

[skinstealer]

[id: a head shot of maes artag, with them wearing a small, stick-on headpiece, wide-eyed and surrounded by abstract shapes reminiscent of static, smoke, and multi-colored panes of glass.]

The office itself is small but comfortable, with a nice temperature and a couch that Maes sinks into just enough as they sit down.

PAPAYA: Oh, would you be okay with me applying the headpiece?
PAPAYA: I could teach your partner to handle it for future sessions.
 

Their fur bristles up again at the thought of someone touching their face, but they visibly try to calm down as soon as they catch it.

MAES: ...go ahead.
 

Papaya applies an adhesive to two little devices, careful but efficient.

PAPAYA: I'm going to put two devices on your temples.
MAES: Understood.

They manage to apply them with surprising ease, with very little discomfort.

MAES: That's all?
PAPAYA: Mmhmm.
PAPAYA: Did you get all that.. Judgment?
CHARON: Believe so.
CHARON: Seems surprisingly simple.
PAPAYA: Has to be, if we make it look scary nobody would ever want to do this.
PAPAYA: These will allow the projection to have a little sensory immersion.
PAPAYA: It's easier with constructs, but it should do fine on folks like you.
MAES: Do you have a specific protocol for needing to stop, if it gets to be too much?
MAES: You said that we could, but I want to know what your procedure is for that.
MAES: ...Just in case.
PAPAYA: In extremes we shift the projections back toward a more neutral environment and de-escalate tension until you collect yourself.
MAES: And I can just voice that?
PAPAYA: Mmhmm.
PAPAYA: This technology is designed to not violate privacy, it's only willing to go deep if you are.
 

Only as deep as I’m willing to go.
No further.

MAES: ...Okay. I'm ready.
 

They take a deep breath.

MAES: Tell me how to start.
PAPAYA: Relax yourself and think of something you want to talk about today.

They know things about the lab already, but…
I don’t know how much they do know, and how far would be too far.
I don’t want to scare them off, but I do need to test their skills here.
…I suppose I could start with…

MAES: ...will it matter if it's more of an abstract concept?
PAPAYA: That's allowed.
MAES: Okay.
 

I'm...thinking about...
...the recent identity stuff.
I figure that's a safe place to start.

PAPAYA: I'm gonna go live with it.
PAPAYA: Sound good?
MAES: Mm.
 

With a flick of a switch, Maes is transported toward a fairly stationary room, the feeling being very simple, almost to a cozy degree.  Charon continues to stand nearby, placing a hand on their shoulder for comfort.

Papaya chimes in.

PAPAYA: You're in, should be immersed in the simulation now.
PAPAYA: How are you feeling?
MAES: ...not too different, yet.
MAES: It feels...warmer in here, now.
PAPAYA: Good, means it's working just fine.
PAPAYA: What are we opening with?
PAPAYA: Something you'd like to tackle for a first session.
MAES: ...I've had some realizations lately, ones I've been working on with Judgment- exclusively, until now.
MAES: I figure...even if it has ties to some of the harder things I've been through, it's something safer.
PAPAYA: Continue.
MAES: Namely, ah...

They seem to have trouble getting started, trailing off.

This should be easy enough, right? I'm an adult and I've talked to Charon about it extensively-
Why am I freezing up?

PAPAYA: Whatever you say does not leave  this room, but if you'd rather talk about something else you're allowed to.
MAES: No, it's. It's probably the easiest place to start.
 

They take a deep breath.

MAES: I've realized that I don't feel connected to being a woman, anymore.
MAES: I don't know if I ever...did, in the first place, but it's what I've been working with up until this point.
PAPAYA: Is there something else you personally lean into?
PAPAYA: Or are you still figuring that out, you think?
MAES: Definitely still figuring it out.
MAES: I know that I would rather work with they pronouns, and have been trying that with Judgment, but I haven't...come out to anyone else yet.
MAES: ...part of me fears I won't be taken seriously, even if it's a ridiculous worry for the area.
MAES: Precipice is a good zone for this sort of thing, and Mockery an even better city for it.
MAES: Hell, we even provide gender-related services here at the lab, hormones, surgeries, transformative care, you name it…
MAES: ...but I'm very public facing as a medical figure, even if not on a private level.
MAES: If I were to ask for a pronoun change on a public level, it would probably make news.
 

They can't help but grimace, the idea of it making their skin crawl.

Made into a spectacle, even more than when I first got this job.

PAPAYA: I think you should work your way up.
PAPAYA: Start opening up to your personal circles, take advice from groups who've been in your shoes.
PAPAYA: Any reason going public scares you so much?
 

Maes stiffens up, only managing a nod.

PAPAYA: Your partner accepts you just fine, right?
MAES: Yes, but...
MAES: There are people I have to interact with on a…
 

They struggle to get the word out, mind starting to race.

I can’t think about them right now. Keep it simple.

MAES: Professional level that I know might not take kindly to it.
MAES: ...leftovers from the previous management, you could put it.
PAPAYA: Ah...
 

Papaya taps on their desk as they ponder for a bit, thinking over their words.

PAPAYA: If that wasn't a factor, where would you want to be?
PAPAYA: I want you to picture the things you'd want to hear for yourself.
MAES: ...Neutral terms, I think.
MAES: Person, partner...
 

The room echoes with the voice of a certain dog, the feeling of Charon’s hand on their shoulder radiating warmth.

My partner

Maes jumps at first, but does their best to settle back down.

MAES: ...that's normal, correct?
PAPAYA: Mmhmm.. was that something you think about?
MAES: Hearing Judgment say it does help the most, yes.
MAES: He's been immensely supportive...
 

They reach up to rub their hand against the one gently touching them.

CHARON: I try my best to be...
PAPAYA: It's good that you have someone there for you like that.
PAPAYA: What was it like coming out to him?
MAES: ...it was after work.
MAES: I work with the more severe surgical cases here at the lab, as well as dabble in transformative treatments....recently, I'd been assigned a patient who wanted a full body transformation to aid in their own gender presentation, and I suppose it just....got me thinking.
MAES: I always try to get myself in the heads of my patients so that I can understand what they're going for better, and this one really struck a chord.
MAES: I don't- I don't think I want as extreme as what they wanted, with a full body overhaul, but...
MAES: I was visibly lost in thought over it, and Ch-
MAES: Judgment noticed.
 

The room starts to shift toward their bedroom back on that very day, the familiar temperature settings and sensation of folded bedsheets and a hot dinner coming back.

I was safe with him. I always am.
He works so hard to take care of the two of us, and does so much to help me feel cared for.
He was there for me. Always, always there.

Maes visibly starts to relax, doing their best to let themself feel the sensations coming back.

MAES: He could tell I was worked up about something, and I didn't want to tell him at first.
MAES: I felt...self conscious, even silly about it.
PAPAYA: But you did, I take it?
MAES: Mm, with some coaxing.
MAES: I said that I was thinking about how malleable the human form is, especially in my case, and that I might want something different for myself someday.
PAPAYA: Mm.
PAPAYA: I've gone through a lot of changes myself over the years, don't think it's ever bad to consider it.
MAES: I still don't know what I'd do yet, but...
MAES: He was very supportive, and we talked a bit about what I currently don't like.
MAES: It...was very stressful, to a degree, especially because I know, as he puts it-
 

They can't help but smile a little.

MAES: He likes every part of me.
 

The nice sensations pick up even more, practically engulfing the room with feelings reminiscent of after-shift comforts and conversations.

MAES: He was supportive the whole way, though.
MAES: He said that if he likes every part of me now, he'd feel even more happy to see me happier with myself, too.
PAPAYA: Think you should really sit on that, let yourself think about what you need for you.
MAES: ...that involves thinking about all of the reasons why I don't like those parts of myself, though.
MAES: I wish it was as easy as "I want such and such because it's a part of a specific common gender presentation", but for me, it's just…
 

The warm feeling seems to fade around the edges, the dread from earlier starting to creep in.

MAES: ...it feels like it's all rooted in pain.
PAPAYA: Doesn't make those feelings any less real or valid, you know.
MAES: I know.
MAES: But...it's not..."ideal", you know?
MAES: You hear people say things like "don't assume all trans people are this way because they're traumatized", which is fair and correct, it's not a good assumption to make...
MAES: ...but where does that leave you when you are traumatized, and that ties into this sort of thing?
 

Their voice gets sharp at the end, Maes taking a moment to settle down.

Relax.
They’re not here to hurt you.
They use they pronouns themself, and they seem accepting.
Chill.

MAES: ...I understand people not wanting the stigma of being "broken".
MAES: But it puts people like myself in a weird situation.
PAPAYA: Think it's harder to address it when it does come from a place of trauma, personally.
PAPAYA It takes a lot of reflection and courage to finally address it.
PAPAYA: The fact that you are, even this much, means you're taking a needed first step most people struggle with.
PAPAYA: And to be frank, it's a nonsense stigma.
MAES: It feels like there's a lot more steps to do, though, and I don't even know what they are yet.
MAES: ...talking to my close peers would...be a good start, though.
MAES: I only really have one other close friend, and some staff members working with me on the rehabilitation facility that I'd want to know...
PAPAYA: Then let them know, even if you only can open to a small circle for now, I think that's still a good start.
MAES: ...I barely know anything aside from pronouns, though.
MAES: Wouldn't that feel...I don't know, wishy-washy?
MAES: "Hey, I'm considering this major life transition and I barely figured it out but maybe this could work?"
MAES: ...sorry, that's...probably shitty.
PAPAYA: How are you going to know what feels right if you don't try at all?
PAPAYA: Most folk don't have it pinned in one go.
MAES: ...I guess that's fair.
MAES: I'm just...used to my main exposure being people who have enough down to go for medical treatment.
PAPAYA: You don't need to know for sure yet, all you need to know is that you want to be yourself.
MAES: ...mm.
MAES: I suppose you're right.
 

They take a moment to let out a long, deep breath.

MAES: ...Comparisons to others won't do me any favors either.
PAPAYA: Only thing you should compare is how happy you are before and after.
 

They can't help but smile a little.

MAES: That's...a very sweet way of trying to look at things.
MAES: I'll do my best.
PAPAYA: I know you will.
PAPAYA: We've been at this for a bit, do you want to start de-escalating the room?
MAES: ...yeah. That sounds good.
 

Maes taps Charon's hand again, reassuring themself of him being there.

Charon taps right back.

That wasn’t so bad.
I started small, but that’s okay. Small is okay.
I can go slow. I can do this.
If I can prove this works for me, it’ll work for the others.
This is fine.
I got through it, all in one piece.

The room returns back to its blank state, sensations fading along with it.  

PAPAYA: You should take a long rest tonight, I know the first session is always a lot to swallow even when it is easier than this.
MAES: This...was at the very least, better than I thought it'd be.
MAES: Granted, I avoided talking about specifics whenever I could-
 

They manage a bitter laugh.

MAES: -but we...work up to that, correct?
PAPAYA: We work up to that.
 

When the construct speaks, there’s a smile to their voice.

PAPAYA: For now though, let's get that headset off of you.