[INCOMING_TRANSMISSION]

[skinstealer]

[INCOMING_TRANSMISSION]
[INTERVIEW: ACANTHUS]

 

[A pockitt identified as ACANTHUS is seated at a table. He accepts a glass of water when offered and drinks from it.]

ACANTHUS: Thanks. Drive over had me parched.
 

[The INTERVIEWER sits across the table.]

INTERVIEWER: Are you ready for your interview?
ACANTHUS: As I’ll ever be! 
ACANTHUS: There’s no penalty if I fail, right?
INTERVIEWER: No, no penalty.
INTERVIEWER: You don’t sound all that confident.
ACANTHUS: No, I’m plenty confident.
ACANTHUS: Just covering my bases, getting a feel for this.

INTERVIEWER: Right...please present your name and current occupation.
ACANTHUS: Acanthus Sprig, dead zone researcher and former professor of Whimsy History.

INTERVIEWER: Please tell us the reason for your termination as a professor.
ACANTHUS: I wasn’t fired, I quit.
ACANTHUS: Pressure from the school board, mainly...I included too much information on cult targeting of pockitts over centuries, even before Velvet was killed. People considered it “controversial” that I’d dare to imply that Velvet’s death could have been prevented, had they read the warning signs. 

INTERVIEWER: Is this a theory you made yourself?
ACANTHUS: Only partially. The evidence for it is everywhere, if you know where to look!
INTERVIEWER: I see.

INTERVIEWER: When did you begin researching dead zones?
ACANTHUS: Always had an interest in it. My family is born and raised Whimsy natives, stayed in there until they couldn’t bear the cold. Some stayed after that, even.
ACANTHUS: It’s kind of funny, honestly.
INTERVIEWER: Oh?
ACANTHUS: Yeah. People are so used to seeing pockitts everywhere that they forget we had a home. That we have heritage. I want to preserve that.

INTERVIEWER: And aside from the history aspect, you know how dead zones decay?
ACANTHUS: As best as anyone can know, yep.
ACANTHUS: The cold’s the real killer. Once the water’s frozen up and doesn’t come back again in the summer, it goes more and more fucked.
ACANTHUS: Sorry, I mean-
INTERVIEWER: It’s fine.
ACANTHUS: Fucked, then.

ACANTHUS: You have people starving and then they start leaving, until only people with money or dedication are left. 
ACANTHUS: Then you need to bring supplies in from outside, can’t produce anything once a dead zone gets bad enough, not without serious self-sustainability tech.
ACANTHUS: And the ball keeps rolling, faster and faster, it keeps getting colder until it kills you just to be outside, and then that cold creeps inside.
ACANTHUS: Eventually even the toughest creatures die off. Not even something created by gods to be the greatest extremophile that ever lived could survive this.
ACANTHUS: And by the end of it, all that’s left is ruins.
ACANTHUS: Not even to mention how much it’d take just to get a zone back at that stage.
ACANTHUS: Most gods would crumple under that kind of weight. Shrivel up like prunes before they even see results.

INTERVIEWER: And you would say Bluster is at that stage?
ACANTHUS: Absolutely. No question.
ACANTHUS: Whimsy’s only halfway gone, but that halfway goes fast once it gets going.
ACANTHUS: But Bluster? Nah, Bluster’s done for.
ACANTHUS: Otherwise Wax would have done something about it, right?
 

[The footage cuts ahead. ACANTHUS has finished his physical, and is downing more glasses of water.]

ACANTHUS: Your, uh, ad-
INTERVIEWER: Hm?
ACANTHUS: It didn’t really mention this whole physical testing thing. I’m- don’t get the wrong idea, I just don’t really get why you’d have a researcher test for endurance, strength, let alone, uh…
INTERVIEWER: Exposure to extreme conditions?
ACANTHUS: Yeah.
INTERVIEWER: You did sign a waiver upon coming in that detailed everything you needed to know about what this interview entails, yes?
ACANTHUS: I mean, fine print and all…
INTERVIEWER: With all due respect sir, that fine print is important.
INTERVIEWER: And you did make it through the testing intact.
ACANTHUS: Mostly, anyway...how’d I do?
ACANTHUS: I pass alright?
INTERVIEWER: Mm. I can’t share the results in detail, but you showed promising aptitude for the position you’d fill.
ACANTHUS: Phew...I’m no athlete, so you got me worried. 
ACANTHUS: Though, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say this isn’t some simple research expedition.
INTERVIEWER: You’d be correct. No attempt has ever been made at this scale.

INTERVIEWER: May I return to my questions?
ACANTHUS: Yeah. Think I’m alright now.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any family?
ACANTHUS: Sure, got parents in Wonder, right on the border- they don’t want to stray too far from what little’s inhabitable over in Whimsy. Good folks, they raised me right.
INTERVIEWER: Partners?

[ACANTHUS bristles.]

ACANTHUS: Ex-wife, no contact with her these days. It won’t matter to her what I do with my time.
INTERVIEWER: Children?
ACANTHUS: None, no interest either. 
ACANTHUS: Trust me, I wouldn’t be applying to this job if I had anybody depending on me.
ACANTHUS: Especially not after those tests.

INTERVIEWER: What area of the tests did you struggle with most?
ACANTHUS: Probably endurance...it’s not so bad once you get going with it, once you’re in the moment, but the second you get off that treadmill you really feel how much hell you’ve been through.
ACANTHUS: Inertia, and all that.
ACANTHUS: So, I’d definitely say that’s where I struggled...but I think in the moment, if something were to come up, I could be fine so long as I had time to rest after. 

INTERVIEWER: How do you get along with others in tense situations?
ACANTHUS: Fine! As long as they don’t touch my stuff. I hate that.
ACANTHUS: But, I don’t tend to pick fights or anything. There’s too much to do for messing around like that.
ACANTHUS: Trust me, I am all business on the job.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any conditions we should be informed of?
ACANTHUS: Nope.
INTERVIEWER: Any psychological triggers?
ACANTHUS: Nope.
INTERVIEWER: History of mental health issues or similar disabilities?
ACANTHUS: Nope.
ACANTHUS: Clean bill of health all around. 

INTERVIEWER: How willing are you to work with gods?
ACANTHUS: I mean, wow, that’d be incredible!
ACANTHUS: I’m a believer of course, you have to be when you’re in my field, but I’ve never actually got to see one up close.
ACANTHUS: I’d be humbled to even be given the opportunity. 
ACANTHUS: Is that seriously a perk of this jo-
INTERVIEWER: I believe that concludes the interview.
INTERVIEWER: We’ll get back to you within the week.
ACANTHUS: Well, alright then!
 

[ACANTHUS gets out of his chair, reaching over to shake the INTERVIEWER’S hand.]

ACANTHUS: Thanks for all the water, by the way- you guys have some awesome tap.
 

[END_TRANSMISSION]