[SIDESTORY] Morbit Oneshots

[knux400]

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Beta Testing- 2019

knux400, TCP Gauntlet, takes place before events of RP

Content warnings: TCP Gore, Violence

Bandage meets with Dropdead? to test a potential Gauntlet enemy. Hilarity ensues.

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“Look, I told you I don’t do shit with chemicals, alright?” The seven-inch-tall TCP stood atop the table, one of its hands sternly placed on its hip, the other flopping at its side. It was a pale salmon color, and had bandages wrapped around it in several places, most notably at its left shoulder. It was looking up at a rather gruff OBJ, who was sitting at the table, his arms crossed.
“Ad said you tested deathtraps. Wouldn’t be much of a deathtrap without poison on it, would it?” The TCP let out a heavy sigh- or at least a long sort of ‘bbbbb’ sound that was meant as a sigh.
“I’m not immortal, alright? You lop off a limb and I can stick it back on and have it function again within a day or two, and even if I can’t get the limb back I can regrow it in a few weeks. But chemicals- like poison- are different. I would regenerate too slowly to overcome whatever effect it might have, and then I would be dead just like anyone else. Now do you have anything non-chemical-based to throw at me, or are you going to continue to waste both of our time?”

Bandage walked down the busy street, carrying its satchel over its right shoulder, its left arm still flopping uselessly at its side. It had one more consultation to get through, and then it could take a couple days off until its next test began. It gently poked at the bandages on its left shoulder. Good, it thought. Feels like it’s already connected. I’ll probably start to get feeling back in it in a few hours, and I might even be able to move it around sooner than that if I get lucky. It turned into a small alley, where a thin, shaggy beatfox in a casual coat and jeans was waiting. She bent down, scooping the TCP into her shirt pocket.
“Where to next?” asked Bandage as she began walking.
“Got a client called Dropdead, wants you to test out some sort of crystal hound thing.”
“Live animals, huh? Don’t get that one too often.” Bandage rubbed its cheek, gently sliding its hand over the small band-aid it wore on its face. Unlike all the other bandages it wore on its body, this one wasn’t covering up a wound of any kind- Bandage wore it both as a fashion accessory and as a small comfort item- the smooth plastic surface felt good to touch, unlike the rough fabric strips holding various parts of its body together. Bandage often opted for the cheaper bandages, since it went through so many rolls in its line of work- the disadvantage being rough, itchy fabric that occasionally failed to hold limbs on. The beatfox noticed Bandage’s silence. 
“You nervous?”
“Little bit. Why do you ask?”
“You always rub your face when you’re nervous.”
“Wow, you’re absolutely right, Selvage! Meeting with someone named Dropdead to talk about going to get mauled by one of their crazy mutant dogs is a completely normal thing that no one should ever be having second thoughts over.” Bandage sighed.
“...Sorry. Yeah, I’m a little on edge. It’s probably not helping that the last guy tried to poison me.”
“Poison you?” Selvage stopped and looked down at her shirt pocket.
“Yeah. He wanted me to test some kind of guillotine thing. Mentioned something offhand about the poison he’d put on the tips, and I stopped him right there. Apparently we need to make the words ‘NO CHEMICAL-BASED WEAPONS’ big and bold in the ad.”
“They’re already big and bold.”
“Bigger and bolder, then.” Bandage shrugged. Selvage continued walking down the street as they both fell silent once again. Before long, the two of them arrived at a small office building. Double-checking the address, she walked inside a small lobby area. Several chairs lined the room in a haphazard fashion, occupied by a wide variety of different OBJ, beatfoxes, karacels, de’moneres, and even a few Selvage couldn’t immediately identify. An elevator sat in the corner of the room, and beside it a directory. 
“Looks like Dropdead’s office is on the third floor. Should I wait in here?” Selvage asked. She wasn’t looking forward to the prospect of standing in another random alleyway for a half hour.
“Yeah, sure.” Bandage replied absent-mindedly.
“Alright, up you go, then.” Selvage stepped into the elevator, lowering Bandage down to the floor. She hit the ‘3’ button and stepped out into the lobby again, the elevator doors closing behind her. 

Bandage gently rubbed its cheek as the elevator slowly rose, rattling and squeaking as it went. There was a soft ‘ding’, and the doors opened, revealing a hallway with a series of doors, each with a person’s name and the name of their business on it. Bandage walked past three different doors- a greater distance than it seemed given its stature. Eventually, it reached a door with the words ‘DROPDEAD- GAME SHOW HOST’ printed on it. Below it was a small handwritten note reading ‘CURRENT PROJECT- GAUNTLET’. As Bandage raised its fist to pound on the door, it noticed a small button mounted on the wall at a convenient height for a TCP. It didn’t look like part of the building- it was being held in place with some nails, and had a wire snaking up the wall and through the door. Bandage pressed it curiously. A buzzer could be heard from within the room, followed shortly by a small whirring sound as the door opened on its own. As Bandage stepped into the room, it glanced at the wall- sure enough, there was what looked like some kind of hastily built contraption for pulling the door open remotely. It looked up at the wire- it led to a small speaker on the other side of the door. A chilling voice came from within the room, snapping Bandage back to attention.
“You must be the product tester. Come in.” Bandage turned to the desk in the center of the room. From the angle it was at, it couldn’t see who or what was sitting behind it. A set of wooden steps led up to the top of the desk. As Bandage cleared the last few steps, it was greeted by a small TCP-sized chair, and directly across from it an imposing figure. Its face resembled that of a beatfox, but as if someone had removed all of the skin from the forehead down. Its eyes were curved slits dripping some kind of fluid, and its teeth were locked in a permanent grimace. It was wearing a formal suit and tie, and sitting patiently with its arms crossed. Bandage sat down in the small chair, face-to-face with the figure.
“You must be Dropdead.” The figure hesitated slightly, almost as if surprised. It quickly regained its composure and replied.
“...That’s me. And you are?”
“Bandage.” After a short pause, it continued. “You wanted me to test out some kind of dog?”
“Yes.” Dropdead replied, grinning. “We’re developing a crystal hound for use in a game show we’re working on. It hasn’t been tested on a… living subject yet.” 
“So you need me to get beat up by it?”
“You said it, not me.”
“Alright, well firstly I’ll need to know a time and place to show up at, and I’m going to ask that you have-”
“A time and place?”
“Yeah, a time and a place. And you need to have payment ready when I get there. Now for something like a hound, my going rate would start at-” Bandage was abruptly cut off by a large stack of cash being slammed onto the table.
“I’d like you to begin immediately.”
“Wh-” Bandage stuttered, staring at the stack of cash. It looked fresh from a bank, the $100 bills neatly stacked and held in place by a small paper band. Judging by the size of it, it had to be worth at least a thousand. It stared up at Dropdead, whose smile had faded. 
“...Seriously?”
“Something wrong?” Dropdead began to lean in closer, an expression of mock sympathy on his face.
“Listen, I can’t right now.” Bandage managed. “I can only regenerate so quickly, and right now my arm’s-”
“This is over triple your advertised rate.” Dropdead leaned over the table, cutting Bandage off. He loomed over Bandage as it pushed its chair back slightly.
“If I were you, I’d be thanking me for my generosity,” he growled. “I’d imagine money is quite difficult to come by in your line of work.” Bandage would’ve gulped if it had a mouth or a throat. It had been in a bit of a dry patch recently, especially with the previous job falling through.
“It… wouldn’t be good if you tested this thing on someone who’s already beat up, right? It’s better for you to wait.” Dropdead leaned in closer in response, his cold breath hissing over Bandage.
“I can either pay you the money…” Dropdead raised the stack of bills over his head. “Or I could just let you have it.” Bandage was on its back now, its chair fallen over in a feeble attempt to scoot backwards. It could probably survive those bills being slammed down on it, but it would take weeks to regenerate from a blow like that, maybe even months- and in the meantime, it would be completely helpless on Dropdead’s desk.
“I’ll ask one more time. Yes… or… no?”
“...Fine.” Dropdead immediately sat back down in his chair, suddenly as cheerful as could be.
“Wonderful! If you’ll stand back a bit, I’ll just introduce you to your new playmate.” He plucked the fallen chair off the desk, shoved the money aside, and reached down to retrieve a large metal box. As Dropdead slammed the box down in front of him with a heavy thud, Bandage could see the box took up nearly the whole desk. Only a tiny bit of wood was peeking out on either side, and as Dropdead shoved the box further onto the desk, Bandage was backed up to near where the staircase was. The box was about 10 inches tall, nearly as wide as the entire desk, and it looked fairly long, too, given how much Dropdead had to push it. Bandage could hear something moving inside, but before it could speculate as to the exact nature of whatever was in there, Dropdead suddenly plucked Bandage up off the table by the head, lifting it up over the top of the box. As Bandage rose into the air, it could see that the top of the box was lined with some sort of clear plastic. At one end was exactly what was described- it was a small canine beast, with rocky skin and glowing crystals jutting out of its back. It looked up at Bandage through the glass and growled, baring its crystalline teeth. Luckily, it was held in place by what looked like a small chain connected to the wall of the box. From where Bandage was, it could see that the chain had a sort of pull tab on the outside of the box- likely so that Dropdead could release it whenever he wanted. Dropdead opened a small hatch on the top of the box and dropped Bandage into the room, closing the hatch behind it. 

Bandage landed with a soft whump, quickly scrambling to its feet. The crystal hound was at the end of its chain, snapping and biting at Bandage from the opposite end of the “room”. Bandage only had a moment to regard its opponent before Dropdead’s voice rang out in a singsong fashion.
“Have fun~” With a small click, the chain came loose from the wall, and the hound began charging at Bandage full speed. Bandage braced itself, then leaped right at the last second, turning itself in midair and swinging its right fist. A solid blow landed on the back of the hound’s head, and it skidded to a halt, bumping gently into the back wall. Bandage glanced at its hand. It had been bruised from punching the hound’s rocky skin, and the hound seemed to shrug the blow off in seconds. Before Bandage could react, the hound lunged again, headbutting Bandage a few inches back and sending it tumbling to the ground. Before Bandage could stand up, the hound was there, biting into Bandage’s midsection and lifting it off the ground like a chew toy. Bandage steadied himself, placing its left hand on the hound’s muzzle before punching it in the face with all its might. As the hound’s eye closed in response, Bandage got the sinking feeling it was doing more damage to its own hand than to the hound. The hound’s eye snapped open again, staring directly into Bandage’s face. After a split second of eye contact, the hound began violently shaking its head side to side, and Bandage with it. Bandage could feel the hound’s teeth digging further into its torso, could see its arms flailing uselessly above its head, and worst of all, could hear Dropdead’s voice calling to it from behind the glass.
“You’re doing great, kid, keep it up!” As Bandage flailed to either side, it instinctively tried to grab on to something- anything- and to its surprise, it felt its left hand close around something. It was hard to say what exactly- feeling was still fuzzy in the left arm- but it was good enough. Blindly, Bandage fumbled with its right hand, and found another handhold nearby. Looking up, it realized it had grabbed onto two of the crystals protruding from the hound’s back. They were surprisingly thin- Bandage’s whole hand fit comfortably around it. Evidently whoever engineered this thing was going for quantity over quality when it came to impaling people. Or maybe it was just supposed to be armor. Either way, Bandage’s thoughts were interrupted by the hound tugging its head to the opposite side, pulling Bandage away- although it kept its grip. The pointed sides of the crystals dug into Bandage’s hands as it began to feel a sharp pain coming from its left shoulder. The hound reared back and tugged again, and Bandage heard the distinct sound of tearing fabric. As the hound reared back a second time, Bandage barely had time to utter a particularly choice word before the hound tore the arm clean off. It went flying across the room, landing with a gentle splat in the middle of the floor. Now Bandage only had its right hand to keep it from being shaken back and forth like a chew toy. The hound tugged again and again, and Bandage began to brace itself for the ‘armless’ puns Dropdead would surely be throwing its way momentarily- but something else gave first. A sharp crack could be heard as Bandage was swung to the side- still holding the crystal. Both were stunned by this for a moment, but Bandage was faster. It lifted its head up and plunged the crystal straight into the hound’s eye. It made a horrible sort of muffled scream, biting down even harder in response. Bandage could barely think at this point- all it could do was punch the crystal again and again, jamming it deeper into the hound’s head. Eventually, the hound collapsed to the floor, its jaw still locked tight around Bandage.

Bandage lay bleeding in the closed jaw of the hound, and neither moved for a few tense moments. Eventually, Bandage feebly tried to pry the hound’s locked jaw off of its torso, but to no avail. It lay its head down on the ground, staring up at Dropdead, who was furiously scribbling down notes.
“Hey.”
“Just a second.” After some more note-taking, Dropdead reached down through the hatch and pried open the jaws of the crystal hound.
“Nice work. I was expecting to have to bring you back in a plastic baggie.” 
Bandage slowly wrenched itself free from the crystal teeth impaling its torso, and began patching itself up- a slow, agonizing process with one arm. Dropdead, completely unfazed by the grisly display he’d just witnessed, continued.
“That was good, breaking a crystal off its back. It almost looked like you meant to do that.” Bandage remained silent, focusing on patching itself up.
“Oh, don’t feel bad, kid. Honestly, flailing around helplessly was a perfectly reasonable response.” After a few long minutes, Bandage’s arm was back in its proper place, and most of its torso was covered in a thick layer of bandages. Already, the dark blue fluid was beginning to seep through it. Bandage looked up at Dropdead, who simply lifted it back out of the box with a clawed hand and set the stack of cash next to it.
“Thanks for your services, kid. Have a good one!” Dropdead called out mockingly. Bandage leaned heavily on the bundle of cash and began slowly pushing it down the stairs and out the door.

“Selvage.” Bandage had collapsed just in front of the elevator, back in the lobby area. The bandages covering its body were now soaked and dripping, and had left a trail going back into the elevator.
“Holy shit, what happened to you?!” Selvage exclaimed, scooping up Bandage and the money. As she began wrapping Bandage up in a napkin in a desperate attempt to contain all the fluid, Bandage spoke in a soft, ragged voice.
“We are never taking a job from Dropdead... ever... again.”